Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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