I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
