You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
