I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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