If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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