Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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