just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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