I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
