do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
