Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.