mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
