You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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