Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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