After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
