please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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