bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
