I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
