someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i already hear my dad disowning me
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
