the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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