We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
