God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
