I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
