Soap is not a condiment
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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