Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
