I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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