This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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