someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
