she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
