wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
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Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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