The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
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I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
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im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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