I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
