i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
