nut hugger
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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