I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
