hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
