Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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