I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
