my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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