So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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