my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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