I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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