I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
