I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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