Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
