between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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