Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
