Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
