not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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