marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
