I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
