Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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