there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
