I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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