I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
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billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
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ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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