dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
