and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
