If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
