I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
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I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
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Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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