plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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