Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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